Sympathies, Condolences, Comfort And Support - Opportunities In Sorrow

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When someone about whom you care experiences the loss of a loved one, it is indeed a sad thing. But you can gain by it (in the most positive sense, and not as a sociopathic opportunist or as an emotionless manipulator) in two ways: 1) you can offer comfort to the bereaved person; and, 2) you can show your qualities of empathy, compassion, devotion and friendship to somebody who may be, in some form or fashion, important to you -- either now or in the future. There is occasionally a reward for good acts and deeds in Sending Signals beyond the trite old "Virtue is its own reward."

Beyond this, there is the fact is that people like the company and the opportunity to forge relationships with people who care about them. But that caring must be sincere. Don't miss a chance to communicate during a trying time or a crucial moment in someone else's life.

Recently a dear friend and colleague of mine lost a good friend and a professional colleague of hers, and I took the time (because I care very much about her) to write a long text message -- even though my text message was a colossally long one, I needed for her to immediately have it in her hands right then; I couldn't waste time writing an email which might not be read for several days. And so I wrote to this wonderful friend:

"I am so profoundly sorry for your loss, and for your deep sadness. I wish I could help to ease your pain. When people whom we are privileged to love are taken from us, we are never prepared.... we feel incomplete. We second-guess ourselves about the last words we said, and the last words said to us. In all truth, child, we will all have regrets and doubts in the self-deprecating distorted vision that is hindsight - but the sum, upon reflection, of the best moments, of sharing, of laughing, of just leaning on each other a bit from time to time, of just being intertwined will far outweigh our laments. And the best memories of that magic will be like sunlight through the leaves on the trees that form a canopy over the forest we wander through in the uncertain span of time we call "life." And life will indeed continue - but chastened by the inevitability of mortality, and touched by an unforgettable void, we take ever greater care to hold those we love a little bit tighter, and to tell those who are precious to us how much they mean to us. We invariably find ourselves being more generous with our love, and giving it its deserved but pent-up voice more often, with greater ease, with greater abandon, and with less fear of the consequences. We become braver in bringing our affection out into the open, where there is no mistaking it. If there is anything which I can do to bridge the distance between you and a smile, you have only to ask. You are a sensitive and beautiful soul - no need to hide it - and I'm certain that you gave your friend much to be happy about and thankful for during your time together. Love, Douglas"

Nothing else really needs to be said. You know what to do. The two links below are designed to throw you off balance. Let's see if they do.

Douglas E. Castle for The Sending Signals Blog

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Douglas E. Castle On LinkedIn - Join Me! 

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APOLOGIES, AND WHAT THEY CAN TELL US.

Dear Friends:

Apologies are fascinating devices. They say something about us, but they also tell us a great deal about the person receiving the apology.

Apologies, as social unguents, serve a number of different purposes, including:

• Admitting an error and asking for foregiveness;


• Showing compassion for a person in pain -- sometimes we apologize to someone just to indicate that we feel sadness or sympathy for the pain that they are enduring, even if we are not at fault in any way, and not a contributing cause;


• To merely "keep the peace" -- sometimes we apologize for things which we haven't done wrong, or for which we are not responsible (and sometimes we actually apologize to the offending party), in order to defuse an argument, or to get the other party to soften his or her stance;


• To surprise and pre-emptively disarm someone who is about to commit an act of aggression or anger against us;


• To temporize -- to "buy time" until we can become stronger or find an alternative course of action;


• To merely "soften the blow" (a perfunctory gesture, most of the time) when delivering bad news;


• To give the other person an opportunity to save face (in the Asian tradition), and a chance to reconsider his or her position on an issue, or reaction to some event or information;

How many times have you experienced a social interaction wherein one party apologizes to the other, and the receiving party immediately says, "there's no need to apologize, it was really all my fault." This is a powerful reaffirmation of friendship through a ritual of relatively painless self-deprecation. In this case, the recipient was gracious in response to the apologizing party's gesture of assuming responsibility (and asking foregiveness) for a perceived slight or a hurt. The apologizing party was actually empowering the recipient to rise above pettiness, and demonstrate foregiveness and graciousness.

The outcome of this exchange might have been quite different had the receiving party simply said, "I'll accept your apology this time, but don't ever pull that kind of shenanigan again," or, "An apology won't make it right."

When offering an apology, it says something about you. It may be evidence of either weakness or great strength...the circumstances and context will determine how the apology will be assessed by the person receiving it.

More importantly, in responding to a proffered apology, the respondent reveals quite a bit about his or her innate self-confidence and self-esteem, as well as about his or her true character.

In the Laboratory of Life, you can use apologies as devices to learn about the nature of the person with whom you are interacting. In fact, a person's response to an apology tells a great deal more about that person than that person often realizes.

Some people will never apologize because their internal sense of self is so fragile that an apology would humiliate and debase them to the extent of a psychological unravelling. These people often appear to have strong personalities (many of them veritable case studies in megalomania and messianic complexes) -- but beneath their cultivated veneer of self-righteousness lies great pain and inner conflict.

Give and receive apologies with great care. They are instruments of learning, and evidence of who we are and what we think of ourselves.

When someone apologizes to you, you are being tested.

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle*

*more than an occasional apologist myself, I am sorry to admit.

The beautiful photograph of a sunset, above, is provided through the generosity of artist and photographer Suzzanne Fokine, whose art continues to enchant and amaze many.

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OPENING THE DOOR TO INTIMACY

Achieving intimacy with a fellow human being is an amazingly powerful and rewarding experience. It is invariably challenging, and requires delicacy, skill and tenacity. It is the wellspring of both the greatest potential for human ecstacy, and of the greatest vulnerability for emotional devastation. Intimacy is a neutral force, to be used judiciously. It is either a caress or a crushing blow, depending upon the intention of the individual in a position to apply its vast power. You will notice, that the typeface color at the end of this post is not the same as this one. I would like for you to think that is was deliberate and for some special effect -- and it was. It is in a softer shade, and you will understand why, as only intelligent and profoundly insightful people read what I write. Oh, well, to be completely on the level...there is the occasional knucklehead.

Every student of Human Nature (including, but not limited to psychologists, hypnotherapists, NLP practitioners, and interrogators) understand some of the basic fundamentals of establishing rapid rapport with another individual, and the most widely accepted and used ones are set forth below. Familiarize yourself with all of them, as they are effective:

• Mirror the other individual's body language;


• Maximize face-to-face and direct eye contact;


• Speak softly, as if delivering a personal secret to the individual;


• Show the palms of your hands, turned upward, to the individual;


• Nod your head slightly, indicating the affirmative, from time to time;


• Hand the other individual something...a photograph, a cigarette lighter, a picture of your parakeet, a cocktail napkin;


• If appropriate, lightly touch the other person's forearm or shoulder during the course of conversation, especially when either agreeing to something that has been said, or when making a point of some significance -- on occasion (and only where socially appropriate, so a great deal of caution is advised here) a light touch on the top of the other individual's thigh is effective;


• Smile occasionally...find some element in the conversation worthy of a show of teeth in a non-feral grin;


• Look down shyly when making a brief, rare, self-deprecating comment;


• Ask, "What do you think about ?" -type questions...even better, ask, "How do you feel about ?," questions;


• Compliment the individual on something truly admirable, and about something that would not seemingly be obvious to others. Unconventional, sincere compliments carry weight and meaning. Mere flattery is generally transparent and belongs in corporations or at singles' bars. It degrades you.


• Listen to, and learn about the other individual, before inserting subtle comments about yourself and your attributes...the other individual is most concerned with 1) what you think about him/her, and 2) what he/she thinks about you. Keep these in priority order;


• Admit to some weakness, no matter how small, of your own;


• Offer assistance in the form of a polite question. Example: "May I help you with_____." Whether it is "May I help you put on your coat?," or, "May I loosen those leg irons a bit?," it is a powerful cue that you are an ally. Address the person by name;


• Cease eating, cleaning your nails with a penknife, looking at television, reading a tabloid, or anything else when the other individual is making a statement to you, or is responding to a question. Nobody can seem to get enough of anybody else's undivided attention...it is a show of respect, and an offering of a gift of a sort;


• Avoid potentially controversial or contentious topics.

The above suggestions apply to situations where you are truly one-on-one. where there is a third party present, or if you are involved in any group activity, these are not as readily viable. Having said that, a notable exception is in the case where you have a series of very brief encounters (at a cocktail party, a reception, on a receiving line, etctera), where a good networker or politician can, in a very short span of time, deploy some of these strategies. In Washington, D.C., this is known as "working the room". It is an art form all its own, and such notable individuals as former president Bill Clinton were, and continue to be true masters.

While all of the above suggestions are excellent "door-openers" for relationships, they are only first steps, and little else. The ultimate prize of intimacy, which is the synergy of absolute love and acceptance, comes only at a much greater effort, and requires diligence and constant vigilance for its maintenance. While I am certainly not an expert (as my history clearly shows), I have been doing some serious research lately. Here are some of the additional steps that may bring you to true intimacy (some of them may seem, at first, to be truly hysterical, or, at least, counterintuitive in terms of the traditional propensities and approaches to domination as a goal or sport), if you believe it to be a worthwhile pursuit. I do.

• Do not be afraid to be thought a fool;


• Talk together. Often. With undivided attention;


• Listen before you speak;


• Send signals...notes, small gifts, anything that demonstrates thought for the other individual;


• Touch. Often, and with eagerness;


• Share your fears, your pains and your vulnerabilities;


• Open your heart and do not punish -- stand ready to forgive;


• Be sincere;


• Be supportive;


• Do not ever do something, or say something that you would not want done to, or said to, yourself, if the circumstances were reversed -- think carefully lest you introduce fear and distrust into an otherwise good relationship;


• Celebrate the uniqueness of the person you have chosen to be intimate with;


• Try not to end your sentences with the word "with" when you are writing something;


• Create a safe haven for the person you've chosen, both figuratively and literally;


• If you love somebody, you must say it. Never forget. You can never tell which words will be your very last;


• Let yourself cry, and be comforted;


• Let your chosen person cry, and be a comfort...you can always take that shirt to the cleaners;


• Be the first to apologize if you have caused pain, and sometimes even when the pain that your chosen person is suffering was not brought about by your words or deeds;


• Be honest about your dreams, desires and fantasies. Share them graphically and passionately;


• When in the company of others, speak highly of your chosen person...it has a way of getting back;


• Eat together often. Feed eachother;


• Share your drinking glass with the other person, for a sip of something good;


• Do not lie, but never be brutal or insensitive with the truth;


• Keep eachother's secrets;


• Let the people with whom you come into contact know, that the person you have chosen is, in no uncertain terms, the person whom you have chosen;


• Spend some time each day, several times a day, just visualizing your chosen person, in the most intimate possible setting. Thoughts have a wonderful way of leading to actions.

In a romantic relationship, the rewards of genuine intimacy justify the risks. As a cautionary side note, a betrayal of an intimate relationship is, at least metaphorically speaking, a rape of the heart, and constitutes a type of blackmail of the worst order...On a more positive and almost metaphysical note, intimacy defies logic by the paradox of its natural essence: while it is an infinitely recursive state, it is, simultaneously, an infinitely expansive state. When we were children, we called things like that "miracles". Now, as adults, we simply call them "paradoxes"...

It is my wish for you that you achieve true intimacy with someone during the course of your lifetime. And, if you should be that fortunate, remember that most people never, ever get there; be grateful for your situation. Never stop searching and striving for intimacy, and take special care not to lose it once it has been earned. MKC: I wish this blessing for you someday, when the time and circumstances are right.

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle

p.s. You can click on the little envelope icon on the right-hand side beneath this post and email it instantly to someone, with your own comments attached. If you do a good job of it, it will be almost as well received as some of those fancy e-cards.

Note: It is my wish to dedicate this post to my sixth grade teacher, Mr. Gerald Thompson, who, amidst all of my self-doubt, took me aside and told me that I had a true gift for writing. Thank you, Mr. T.