SENDING SIGNALS!

Showing posts with label bonding. Show all posts

Friday, February 08, 2013

How Men Communicate: Tough Guys And "Iron Johns"

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Men communicate, confide, bond and emote differently than women do. Part of this is as a result of nature (neurochemistry and time-honed genetic sex-linked adaptations that assist men in mating and fighting), and part of it is a generations-old [back to the most primitive times] role that has been handed down from father to son and reinforced by society.

Speaking statistically, many men feel obligated to emulate the "Iron John" stereotype: A powerful, self-reliant, quiet tower of strength who does not cry, who keeps his secrets well-hidden, does not need to confide, stays calm and rational in a crisis, and tends to communicate more with eyes or body language than with deep discussion.

This behavioral stereotype is further reinforced by the ever-more physical roles of cold but infinitely enterprising and powerful muscular men. We all ("we" being typical heterosexual males of a certain age) secretly crave six-pack abs, but we can live without them. Women, on the other hand, sometimes literally starve themselves to death or work out to the point of muscular degradation in order to look like the models whom they see paraded before them in glossy magazines and on television commercials. [proof that I can read your mind? You were just thinking of a Victoria's Secret advertisement, instead of about the GEICO gecko.]

My closest friend from childhood, Jay Goldberg (author, teacher, business plan expert and mentor to entrepreneurs) sent me this terrific video clip taken from the TV show "Family Guy" which absolutely hits the middle-aged "manly men "stereotype right on the head [no jokes please]. He has a knack for sharing these hysterical things with me -- it'b become part of my mental health protocol.

Simply click on the image below to enjoy it.

Men are very tenuous about communications, especially with other men. They tend to stick with the group mind, until they have an opportunity to break a small hole in the brick wall and laughingly confide about some exception, as if making a joke. As the joke brings affirmative nods, and others begin to enter into this "one brick at a time" ritual, the deepest feelings eventually come out.

It's tough to be a man -- but in my case, the alternative would be unthinkable as well as unaffordable.

Douglas E. Castle for The Sending Signals Blog, sponsored by "Iguana - The Pill For A Reptile Dysfunction" and CFI - CrowdFunding Incubator, LLC

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Monday, August 06, 2012

How You Respond Says More Than What You Actually Say.

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As a society and as a civilization, we are overworked, overstimulated, overburdened, under capitalized, emotionally depressed and financially depleted. Everyone knows this. But these negative factors are taking away the precious element of empathy in our communications that helps to make our exchanges the most effective. Too much texting and too little talking is broadening the gap between the Baby Boomer crowd and the Millenials, and is creating a new 'relationship' paradigm that has us minimizing the significance of relationships in general. We're routinely De-personalizing, and becoming frighteningly mechanical as we advance. Maybe we suffer from "Machine envy."

If I telephone you, and you text me back in return, that may mean that you are busy and want to acknowledge that I have reached out to you, and that you'll call me later when things are less hectic. But if you never, ever phone me back, and I can only seem to get text messages from you in response to my telephone entreaties, my subconscious is going to invariably register this as disrespectful or unfriendly. If I don't view it as such, it means that my standards for exactly what constitutes a "relationship" have diminished with the times and the technology.

As a rule, the more in-touch (employing the greatest number of senses) we are with our counterpart, the stronger the bond and the deeper the trust that we are able to build. Without hearing a voice, seeing a face, savoring subtle non-verbal cues, and biochemistry (the pheromone effect that my parents used to simply ref to as "chemistry."

While not fully true, it is mostly true: How you respond (via text, phone, email, etc.) weighs just as heavily on the quality and effectiveness of your communication as the actual content of that communique.

The more of yourself that you give to a communication, the more effective, generally speaking you will be at conveying a message that will "get through" the rest of the noise associated with our overstimulated, multitasking society.

Do not underestimate the power of sending a stronger signal by touching more of the other person's senses.

Douglas E. Castle for The Sending Signals Blog

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Reach Out And Touch Someone! - Your Voicemails - Your Meetings In Person

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In relationship-building, chance encounters at networking events, elevator pitches, protracted email correspondences, the occasional "I'm busy now" text, and casual contacts through social media platforms and conduits will not get you the goods.

People learn a great deal about you by the sound of your voice (with its warmth, occasional chuckle, apology for intruding, the inhalation and exhalation of air, your manners, your respectfulness, your inquiries (of an unobtrusive but personal nature) about certain aspects of the other persons's life and well-being -- the balance between being a radio announcer and a dear-friend-and-confidant-in-the-making. Your voicemail is a personality study and audition in miniature. Make them clever, not overly long, but long enough to show that you care about the person as much as about the business at hand.

Developing an impeccable telephone voice and manners takes practice. Call a larger percentage of your closer, more promising contacts instead of email, texting or social media quipping at them.

The understood belief is that your speaking comes more from the heart, while your writing comes exclusively from your head. And hearts connect where heads collide.

Also, a meeting in person, or several of them, really helps achieve some exohormonal/ pheromonal chemistry, accelerate the development of trust, and an opportunity to enjoy each other's Human characteristics... like a sudden smile, a slight self-deprecating comment, a compliment (when sincerely warranted), chances to cater to the other person as if a guest in your presence. You also have a chance for some important eye-contact and polite, restrained touching.

Two article excerpts follow which speak about the voice and the physical persona as applied to cultivating relationships which are meaningful and more enjoyable.

Please read them and enjoy them.

6 tips for making a good impression via voicemail
People might judge you based on the voicemails you leave them so it's important to create a good impression, Lee Polevoi writes. Your voicemails should be simple, short and should include your contact information, Polevoi writes. It's a good idea to create a script and to practice what you plan to say. Intuit Small Business Blog (6/11)

Why technology is no substitute for real communication
Technology is great, but relying on it too heavily can make it hard to establish the real relationships you need to run your business, writes John Jantsch. You can avoid this pitfall by finding ways to leave the office and talk to customers. You should also try reaching out to customers to make sure they are satisfied with the work your company has done, he advises. Duct Tape Marketing (6/8)

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Douglas E. Castle for The Sending Signals Blog

Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Power Of Touch In Communicating

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Non-verbal communication through the prudent use of touch is extremely powerful in being rapport and in accelerating the establishment of intimacy and trust. Human beings bond through touch, but your use of touch in dealing with persons whom you don't know well must be measured.

In a familial relationship or established friendship, it might be perfectly acceptable to embrace or to hold hands for an extended period of time. In dealing with very new relationships, prolonged touch can easily lead to problems.

The key is to make a brief physical touch become an enhancement, an anchor and an act of delicacy, understanding or respect during the course of a conversation. You don't grope or grab. You don't linger and stroke -- this is about business and friendship -- in fact, it is about the business of developing friendships.

What is most effective during the course of a one-on-one conversation with a new connection is a brief touch after the introductions are fully made, both persons are in full eye-contact with each other, and the tone is appropriately set. The most acceptable and socially potent gestures are a brief touch on the hand, a touch on the shoulder, or , when standing, a gentle pat on the back. If you combine any two of these three within a short expanse of time, the potential for establishing a richer, deeper, more profound level of rapport is geometrically enhanced.

Any of these gestures is far more effective than a perfunctory or obligatory handshake.

The important thing is make the gesture very private, very brief and very warm, without making it callous or invasive. Touch adds a new dimension of power, potency and intimacy (without insensitivity or inappropriateness) to any communication. It makes you, all that you've said and all that you are much more memorable to the recipient.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

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OPENING THE DOOR TO INTIMACY

Achieving intimacy with a fellow human being is an amazingly powerful and rewarding experience. It is invariably challenging, and requires delicacy, skill and tenacity. It is the wellspring of both the greatest potential for human ecstacy, and of the greatest vulnerability for emotional devastation. Intimacy is a neutral force, to be used judiciously. It is either a caress or a crushing blow, depending upon the intention of the individual in a position to apply its vast power. You will notice, that the typeface color at the end of this post is not the same as this one. I would like for you to think that is was deliberate and for some special effect -- and it was. It is in a softer shade, and you will understand why, as only intelligent and profoundly insightful people read what I write. Oh, well, to be completely on the level...there is the occasional knucklehead.

Every student of Human Nature (including, but not limited to psychologists, hypnotherapists, NLP practitioners, and interrogators) understand some of the basic fundamentals of establishing rapid rapport with another individual, and the most widely accepted and used ones are set forth below. Familiarize yourself with all of them, as they are effective:

Mirror the other individual's body language;

Maximize face-to-face and direct eye contact;

Speak softly, as if delivering a personal secret to the individual;

Show the palms of your hands, turned upward, to the individual;

Nod your head slightly, indicating the affirmative, from time to time;

Hand the other individual something...a photograph, a cigarette lighter, a picture of your parakeet, a cocktail napkin;

If appropriate, lightly touch the other person's forearm or shoulder during the course of conversation, especially when either agreeing to something that has been said, or when making a point of some significance -- on occasion (and only where socially appropriate, so a great deal of caution is advised here) a light touch on the top of the other individual's thigh is effective;

Smile occasionally...find some element in the conversation worthy of a show of teeth in a non-feral grin;

Look down shyly when making a brief, rare, self-deprecating comment;

Ask, "What do you think about ?" -type questions...even better, ask, "How do you feel about ?," questions;

Compliment the individual on something truly admirable, and about something that would not seemingly be obvious to others. Unconventional, sincere compliments carry weight and meaning. Mere flattery is generally transparent and belongs in corporations or at singles' bars. It degrades you.

Listen to, and learn about the other individual, before inserting subtle comments about yourself and your attributes...the other individual is most concerned with 1) what you think about him/her, and 2) what he/she thinks about you. Keep these in priority order;

Admit to some weakness, no matter how small, of your own;

Offer assistance in the form of a polite question. Example: "May I help you with_____." Whether it is "May I help you put on your coat?," or, "May I loosen those leg irons a bit?," it is a powerful cue that you are an ally. Address the person by name;

Cease eating, cleaning your nails with a penknife, looking at television, reading a tabloid, or anything else when the other individual is making a statement to you, or is responding to a question. Nobody can seem to get enough of anybody else's undivided attention...it is a show of respect, and an offering of a gift of a sort;

Avoid potentially controversial or contentious topics.

The above suggestions apply to situations where you are truly one-on-one. where there is a third party present, or if you are involved in any group activity, these are not as readily viable. Having said that, a notable exception is in the case where you have a series of very brief encounters (at a cocktail party, a reception, on a receiving line, etctera), where a good networker or politician can, in a very short span of time, deploy some of these strategies. In Washington, D.C., this is known as "working the room". It is an art form all its own, and such notable individuals as former president Bill Clinton were, and continue to be true masters.

While all of the above suggestions are excellent "door-openers" for relationships, they are only first steps, and little else. The ultimate prize of intimacy, which is the synergy of absolute love and acceptance, comes only at a much greater effort, and requires diligence and constant vigilance for its maintenance. While I am certainly not an expert (as my history clearly shows), I have been doing some serious research lately. Here are some of the additional steps that may bring you to true intimacy (some of them may seem, at first, to be truly hysterical, or, at least, counterintuitive in terms of the traditional propensities and approaches to domination as a goal or sport), if you believe it to be a worthwhile pursuit. I do.

Do not be afraid to be thought a fool;

Talk together. Often. With undivided attention;

Listen before you speak;

Send signals...notes, small gifts, anything that demonstrates thought for the other individual;

Touch. Often, and with eagerness;

Share your fears, your pains and your vulnerabilities;

Open your heart and do not punish -- stand ready to forgive;

Be sincere;

Be supportive;

Do not ever do something, or say something that you would not want done to, or said to, yourself, if the circumstances were reversed -- think carefully lest you introduce fear and distrust into an otherwise good relationship;

Celebrate the uniqueness of the person you have chosen to be intimate with;

Try not to end your sentences with the word "with" when you are writing something;

Create a safe haven for the person you've chosen, both figuratively and literally;

If you love somebody, you must say it. Never forget. You can never tell which words will be your very last;

Let yourself cry, and be comforted;

Let your chosen person cry, and be a comfort...you can always take that shirt to the cleaners;

Be the first to apologize if you have caused pain, and sometimes even when the pain that your chosen person is suffering was not brought about by your words or deeds;

Be honest about your dreams, desires and fantasies. Share them graphically and passionately;

When in the company of others, speak highly of your chosen person...it has a way of getting back;

Eat together often. Feed eachother;

Share your drinking glass with the other person, for a sip of something good;

Do not lie, but never be brutal or insensitive with the truth;

Keep eachother's secrets;

Let the people with whom you come into contact know, that the person you have chosen is, in no uncertain terms, the person whom you have chosen;

Spend some time each day, several times a day, just visualizing your chosen person, in the most intimate possible setting. Thoughts have a wonderful way of leading to actions.

In a romantic relationship, the rewards of genuine intimacy justify the risks. As a cautionary side note, a betrayal of an intimate relationship is, at least metaphorically speaking, a rape of the heart, and constitutes a type of blackmail of the worst order...On a more positive and almost metaphysical note, intimacy defies logic by the paradox of its natural essence: while it is an infinitely recursive state, it is, simultaneously, an infinitely expansive state. When we were children, we called things like that "miracles". Now, as adults, we simply call them "paradoxes"...

It is my wish for you that you achieve true intimacy with someone during the course of your lifetime. And, if you should be that fortunate, remember that most people never, ever get there; be grateful for your situation. Never stop searching and striving for intimacy, and take special care not to lose it once it has been earned. MKC: I wish this blessing for you someday, when the time and circumstances are right.

Faithfully,

Douglas Castle

p.s. You can click on the little envelope icon on the right-hand side beneath this post and email it instantly to someone, with your own comments attached. If you do a good job of it, it will be almost as well received as some of those fancy e-cards.

Note: It is my wish to dedicate this post to my sixth grade teacher, Mr. Gerald Thompson, who, amidst all of my self-doubt, took me aside and told me that I had a true gift for writing. Thank you, Mr. T.

If you have an interesting or important point of view regarding any aspect of communications -- we are absolutely to open to any topic relating to interpersonal or organizational communications, public speaking, the art of persuasion, better writing, or even such wondrous things such as subliminal and hypnotic messaging, multi-sensory communications, intuition, instinct, extrasensory perception (ESP) or the fast-evolving notion of the Collective Intelligence, SHARE if you CARE. You might just want to write for The Sending Signals Blog as a guest columnist! If you have something important to say, let it be said HERE where it will be read, and where you'll receive the attention and audience which you deserve.