In order to obtain the best outcome from any given situation with any person, avoid writing a letter (an email, a text, a hand-scribbled note tied to a rock thrown through a living room window, smoke signals...) either directly or through a third party, when you are either angry or overly stressed. You cannot let your fatigue, stress, anger, frustration or any other negative emotion or condition rule your writing over your reason. You cannot be reflexively reactive in a correspondence.
You must be as careful and thoughtful in your wording as if that sentiment which you were going to express was to appear on the headlines of major newspapers, blogs, and perhaps at a congressional hearing. In fact, sometimes it's best to cool off, evaluate the situation, get some perspective with rest and time, and call (via voice) up the other party. One of the problems with email is that it has the appearance of being harsh, cold and businesslike.
An email sent to an individual after a disagreement or in reaction to a perceived insult usually is met with all of the angst and anger as would a subpoena to appear in court, or a notice from a utilities company that your past-due bill had forced them in to a situation where they were going to terminate service. Think of a delinquency notice from a creditor, or legal process being shoved into your face by Agent Smith as you entered your home -- it seems intrusive and impersonal. It is decidedly one-sided, like a lecture instead of a conversation.
Emails can sound very condescending, very callous and dismissive. The only good ones are the ones that contain kind words and apologies (or occasionally recipes or directions to a luau.
When you are aggravated, you are neither in control of your actions nor your choices of words.
Before you send an email, text, or poison pen letter in anger or frustration, give yourself some time, perspective and think about how to 1) regain control of yourself and the situation, and 2) use it as an opportunity to practice your diplomatic and tactical communications skills.
If you must send an email, be certain that the subject line is something gentle, but containing a non-threatening call to action. For example, instead of "About Your Letter" or some such in the subject line, try "Would You Be Open To A Telephone Call?," and in the body of your letter say (with a bit of apology and a tiny bit of benign humility, which positions you in advance as a decent person, and indicates that you have not burned any bridges or hired an assassin as yet):
"Your last email left me a bit confused. You know that our relationship and your feelings are important to me, and I would like to talk about this with you so I can understand what I need to do to avoid any unnecessary conflict, and to make things work for both of us. I know that this is possible.
I'll be calling you up at ________, and I'm hoping you'll be there to receive my call and set aside some time to discuss this together. If that time is not convenient for you, please email me back a time that works better.
Thank you.
I'm looking forward to our conversation."
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If you do this, your call will likely be well-received and will be anticipated to be conciliatory in its tone. Do not volley the grenade back at your nemesis du jour. Be prepared to ask questions (as if you were interviewing the person whom you wanted to strangle earlier) and do a great deal of listening. The premise of these important calls is that you wish to work side by side and hand in hand with the other person to jointly achieve an agreement for your mutual benefit. Telephone conversations, unlike email, have a humanity and personality to them -- they are ways of saving relationships and getting things accomplished.
Take your time, reason it through, and communicate with grace - as if you were responsible for the misunderstanding. Many times this makes the other person suddenly apologize or acquiesce. Guilt, properly used can short circuit a war.
Rise above. Be a diplomat. Be a leader. Take back control while letting the other person think that you are merely being considerate and concerned.
It works a great deal of the time. If you master your reactions, and anticipate the feelings or reactions of others, you'll get things done with minimal friction and maximum benefit. No one needs more enemies. And silence, by the way, generally makes people assume the worst.
Use perspective, patience and strategic thinking before you respond to someone who has done something which has annoyed you. Good negotiators and the best diplomats are bridge-builders and not bridge-burners.
It's far better to deal with difficult situations and people in this pre-emptive, proactive way than to have to repair a broken bridge. Believe me. I've earned my Masters Degree in bridge-rebuilding, and its so much better to think clearly before you act.
Douglas E. Castle for The Sending Signals Blog
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