- how often we lie;
- the magnitude of our deceptions;
- the motivation behind our untruthfulness.
People lie about their accomplishments, employment histories, sexual exploits (or a perceived deficiency thereof), bodyweight, measurements, ages, affiliations, habits, feelings....essentially anything and everything.
People lie for a variety of reasons:
- the pathological thrill of it;
- to spare another person's feelings, or to protect another person;
- to protect themselves when they know that the truth could be damaging;
- to replace the mundane with the exciting;
- to purposefully manipulate others;
- because they no longer remember the truth;
- because they began a social exchange with a lie, and feel obligated to continue "weaving the web" rather than admitting a hurtful truth.
Generally speaking, people in our society lie because they are burdened by feelings of low self-esteem, or because they have been scorned or hurt because of who they truly are. Sadly, lying is an accepted social norm and a celebrated style of personal presentation, while the truth is ever more evasive, even in casual social circumstances and non-threatening environments. People lie based upon fear. People are encouraged to lie when it is rewarded socially, or where dishonesty is actually encouraged in a situation of employment or assignment. People are also encouraged to lie by example -- because others do it.
As with any other behaviors, lies have their "tells"...evasive language; avoidance of eye contact; credibility-defying inconsistencies and contradictions; fidgeting; blatant refusal to answer certain questions; the use of highly technical language, designed to mislead by omission of the overt lie...an inveterate pathological liar may not even be aware of the fact that he or she is lying at all. These people are the most skillful of all "brands" of spin doctors. Many of them pass polygraph tests (which are notoriously inaccurate a great deal of the time, but which nonetheless remain the "gold standard" of judicial and investigative proceedings). The challenge with lying, at least for most of us, is that the easiest story to remember and tell is actually the truth..it is always easier to picture what actually took place. The truth is most deeply imprinted in our minds. Lying requires some serious challenges to the memory, some short-order cretivity and innovation, and a great deal more administrative burden. The truth, of course, carries the prospect of rejection, or harm, or hurt, and too rarely the possibility of acceptance, connection and friendship.
To get the truth from someone, you must demonstrate acceptance, interest and eagerness. Sometimes this requires an admission of one of your own failings or weaknesses. Pressure and torture are not that effective at getting at the truth -- they are effective at getting from the victim what the victim thinks that the inquisitor or interrogator wants to hear -- anything to stop the pain. False confessions of wrongdoing are not quite as commonplace as the fibs which are used to cover them up, but they are quite common. Getting the truth from someone is truly an art. And an art worth cultivating. When we are personally involved with the individual whom we are trying to obtain the truth from, what we unearth can sometimes be very painful. Many people who ask for the truth are actually more interested in hearing either a well-crafted lie, or just a reaffirmation of what they already are convinced is, in fact, the truth. In either case, these apparent "truthseekers" are not the slightest bit interested in the truth, and they do not generally expect it.
Telling the truth, which seems to be much harder, requires a great deal of conscious reconditioning as well as internal strength. Always question what you are about to say before you say it: and if you about to engage in lying, ask yourself "why?" At first, telling the truth requires a great mustering up of courage...after a time, however, it builds an incredible strength of its own inside of you. A self-knowledge. A personal aura of power. You needn't be tactless in telling others the truth; diplomacy is not a sin (at least not as of the date of this writing). But you most definitely need to know the truth about yourself, and this is accomplished most easily by arresting a lie-in-process (while it is in the process of formation in your mind), reasoning it through, and choosing (if at all possible) to tell the truth. As we listen to ourselves, we too often lose our very own identities as we fall under the thrall of our own deeply entrenched lies. If we can find out why we are inclined to lie, or why we are compelled to lie, we can find out what we need to strengthen inside of ourselves.
Faithfully,
Douglas Castle
p.s. The most viable and acceptable alternative to lying (and even to telling the truth!) is invoking "executive privilege". Thank goodness for some of us.
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