When you are going to express yourself to a third party, bear in mind the context in which the recipient will be hearing it. Communication involves a combination of the message that the speaker wishes to convey and the mindset (i.e., sensitivities) of the listener. If you do not stop to analyze the psychological territory before you speak words which cannot be unspoken, you may be worse than misunderstood -- you might be downright offensive. This is especially true if you tend to speak in cliches; these may seem like simple shortcuts to expressing yourself, but most of them carry a certain weight of connotation.
The three steps summarized:
1) Listen;
2) Think about what you'd like to say, and how it might sound (and feel) to recipient;
3) Speak.
These steps are crucial in any management or function or business environment.
Abraham Lincoln once said (I wasn't there on that particular day, so I'm paraphrasing the Great Man based upon anecdotal attribution [now is the time for Dictionary.Com]:
"It is far better to be silent and thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and eliminate all doubt."
A great example was delivered to me earlier today.
A fellow who had owned a business which was an abysmal failure, a fellow who couldn't manage either personnel or technology, a fellow who was dependent upon his former colleagues (all of whom were quite loyal to him despite the hard work and lack of adequate compensation) not only to do everything for him, but to constantly reassure him that he was worthy of a position with the firm he founded, said something to me, quite casually.
Bear in mind that his these people worked with great dedication and with great hopes for this 'gentleman' (despite his less than adequate planning, communications, leadership or basic business management skills). They had, to my view, carried him, and tried to accomplish things while he himself stood in the way, not unlike a child abandoned by its mother at a construction site where workers who were trying to operate heavy equipment had to keep an eye out to 'look after the little tike'.
He has now found a newer, simpler business venture (after exhausting all energy and hope of the earlier one succeeding), and is proceeding enthusiastically forward, without having adequately either thanked or settled with those who served him. They are trying to re-establish themselves now, having lost a great deal of time with no reward.
Two of these people are friends of mine, and I (admittedly) tend to be protective of them. I saw, first hand, what they went through to keep this young man's dreams afloat. Importantly, they were very sensitive to his feelings of inferiority and inadequacy, and tried to help him to help himself -- often despite himself.
He recently said, after boasting about winning his first client engagement in this new venture, "I don't know what to do about the 'old company'. There's so much dead weight there. I've got these shareholders, and they're not doing anything for me." Then he proceeded to deride the people who had supported him, to my great offense.
Wanting to express this hurt to him, I pointed out (quite in violation of the 3 steps outlined above -- I'm an occasional hypocrite), that the company's only 'dead weight' had been him, and that these unappreciated, unsung and largely unpaid heroes had carried him for several years. Ironically, but somehow consistently, he didn't apologize for his transgression at all. He was just bothered that he had to deal with the complexity of other human beings whom he had impressed into service, but who not of use to him now.
He might have been better served by observing the 3 steps, above, and saying instead, "I wish I knew what to do about the shareholders in the old company to set things right. Could you help me to figure something out?" But he hadn't been astute enough to frame his concerns as a compassionate-sounding question.
In communications, as in all Human Affairs, if you don't fully trust your own discretion, try to abide by some simple rules, or to follow some simple steps in a protocol.
This fellow lost a great deal of my respect today. His words, spoken about others, showed me some aspects of his character, i.e., selfishness, carelessness and short-sightedness, that made me wonder why these 'others' had put up with him -- had carried him -- for so long.
Use care in communicating, both verbally, and non-verbally. Your signals can win you some new friends, or make you some new enemies. In this case, his offhanded comment spoke volumes to me (a cliche....sorry) about why we should part company.
I learned some disappointing things about a person whom I had previously considered to be a friend because of both 1) what he said (content) about some third parties, and 2) the callous manner in which he said it to me (delivery).
Douglas E Castle [http://aboutDouglasCastle.blogspot.com]
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