- Admitting an error and asking for foregiveness;
- Showing compassion for a person in pain -- sometimes we apologize to someone just to indicate that we feel sadness or sympathy for the pain that they are enduring, even if we are not at fault in any way, and not a contributing cause;
- To merely "keep the peace" -- sometimes we apologize for things which we haven't done wrong, or for which we are not responsible (and sometimes we actually apologize to the offending party), in order to defuse an argument, or to get the other party to soften his or her stance;
- To surprise and pre-emptively disarm someone who is about to commit an act of aggression or anger against us;
- To temporize -- to "buy time" until we can become stronger or find an alternative course of action;
- To merely "soften the blow" (a perfunctory gesture, most of the time) when delivering bad news;
- To give the other person an opportunity to save face (in the Asian tradition), and a chance to reconsider his or her position on an issue, or reaction to some event or information;
How many times have you experienced a social interaction wherein one party apologizes to the other, and the receiving party immediately says, "there's no need to apologize, it was really all my fault." This is a powerful reaffirmation of friendship through a ritual of relatively painless self-deprecation. In this case, the recipient was gracious in response to the apologizing party's gesture of assuming responsibility (and asking foregiveness) for a perceived slight or a hurt. The apologizing party was actually empowering the recipient to rise above pettiness, and demonstrate foregiveness and graciousness.
The outcome of this exchange might have been quite different had the receiving party simply said, "I'll accept your apology this time, but don't ever pull that kind of shenanigan again," or, "An apology won't make it right."
When offering an apology, it says something about you. It may be evidence of either weakness or great strength...the circumstances and context will determine how the apology will be assessed by the person receiving it.
More importantly, in responding to a proffered apology, the respondent reveals quite a bit about his or her innate self-confidence and self-esteem, as well as about his or her true character.
In the Laboratory of Life, you can use apologies as devices to learn about the nature of the person with whom you are interacting. In fact, a person's response to an apology tells a great deal more about that person than that person often realizes.
Some people will never apologize because their internal sense of self is so fragile that an apology would humiliate and debase them to the extent of a psychological unravelling. These people often appear to have strong personalities (many of them veritable case studies in megalomania and messianic complexes) -- but beneath their cultivated veneer of self-righteousness lies great pain and inner conflict.
Give and receive apologies with great care. They are instruments of learning, and evidence of who we are and what we think of ourselves.
When someone apologizes to you, you are being tested.
Faithfully,
Douglas Castle*
*more than an occasional apologist myself, I am sorry to admit.
The beautiful photograph of a sunset, above, is provided through the generosity of artist and photographer Suzzanne Fokine, whose art continues to enchant and amaze many.
