Achieving intimacy with a fellow human being is an amazingly powerful and rewarding experience. It is invariably challenging, and requires delicacy, skill and tenacity. It is the wellspring of both the greatest potential for human ecstacy, and of the greatest vulnerability for emotional devastation. Intimacy is a neutral force, to be used judiciously. It is either a caress or a crushing blow, depending upon the intention of the individual in a position to apply its vast power. You will notice, that the typeface color at the end of this post is not the same as this one. I would like for you to think that is was deliberate and for some special effect -- and it was. It is in a softer shade, and you will understand why, as only intelligent and profoundly insightful people read what I write. Oh, well, to be completely on the level...there is the occasional knucklehead.
Every student of Human Nature (including, but not limited to psychologists, hypnotherapists, NLP practitioners, and interrogators) understand some of the basic fundamentals of establishing rapid rapport with another individual, and the most widely accepted and used ones are set forth below. Familiarize yourself with all of them, as they are effective:
- Mirror the other individual's body language;
- Maximize face-to-face and direct eye contact;
- Speak softly, as if delivering a personal secret to the individual;
- Show the palms of your hands, turned upward, to the individual;
- Nod your head slightly, indicating the affirmative, from time to time;
- Hand the other individual something...a photograph, a cigarette lighter, a picture of your parakeet, a cocktail napkin;
- If appropriate, lightly touch the other person's forearm or shoulder during the course of conversation, especially when either agreeing to something that has been said, or when making a point of some significance -- on occasion (and only where socially appropriate, so a great deal of caution is advised here) a light touch on the top of the other individual's thigh is effective;
- Smile occasionally...find some element in the conversation worthy of a show of teeth in a non-feral grin;
- Look down shyly when making a brief, rare, self-deprecating comment;
- Ask, "What do you think about
?" -type questions...even better, ask, "How do you feel about ?," questions; - Compliment the individual on something truly admirable, and about something that would not seemingly be obvious to others. Unconventional, sincere compliments carry weight and meaning. Mere flattery is generally transparent and belongs in corporations or at singles' bars. It degrades you.
- Listen to, and learn about the other individual, before inserting subtle comments about yourself and your attributes...the other individual is most concerned with 1) what you think about him/her, and 2) what he/she thinks about you. Keep these in priority order;
- Admit to some weakness, no matter how small, of your own;
- Offer assistance in the form of a polite question. Example: "May I help you with_____." Whether it is "May I help you put on your coat?," or, "May I loosen those leg irons a bit?," it is a powerful cue that you are an ally. Address the person by name;
- Cease eating, cleaning your nails with a penknife, looking at television, reading a tabloid, or anything else when the other individual is making a statement to you, or is responding to a question. Nobody can seem to get enough of anybody else's undivided attention...it is a show of respect, and an offering of a gift of a sort;
- Avoid potentially controversial or contentious topics.
The above suggestions apply to situations where you are truly one-on-one. where there is a third party present, or if you are involved in any group activity, these are not as readily viable. Having said that, a notable exception is in the case where you have a series of very brief encounters (at a cocktail party, a reception, on a receiving line, etctera), where a good networker or politician can, in a very short span of time, deploy some of these strategies. In Washington, D.C., this is known as "working the room". It is an art form all its own, and such notable individuals as former president Bill Clinton were, and continue to be true masters.
While all of the above suggestions are excellent "door-openers" for relationships, they are only first steps, and little else. The ultimate prize of intimacy, which is the synergy of absolute love and acceptance, comes only at a much greater effort, and requires diligence and constant vigilance for its maintenance. While I am certainly not an expert (as my history clearly shows), I have been doing some serious research lately. Here are some of the additional steps that may bring you to true intimacy (some of them may seem, at first, to be truly hysterical, or, at least, counterintuitive in terms of the traditional propensities and approaches to domination as a goal or sport), if you believe it to be a worthwhile pursuit. I do.
- Do not be afraid to be thought a fool;
- Talk together. Often. With undivided attention;
- Listen before you speak;
- Send signals...notes, small gifts, anything that demonstrates thought for the other individual;
- Touch. Often, and with eagerness;
- Share your fears, your pains and your vulnerabilities;
- Open your heart and do not punish -- stand ready to forgive;
- Be sincere;
- Be supportive;
- Do not ever do something, or say something that you would not want done to, or said to, yourself, if the circumstances were reversed -- think carefully lest you introduce fear and distrust into an otherwise good relationship;
- Celebrate the uniqueness of the person you have chosen to be intimate with;
- Try not to end your sentences with the word "with" when you are writing something;
- Create a safe haven for the person you've chosen, both figuratively and literally;
- If you love somebody, you must say it. Never forget. You can never tell which words will be your very last;
- Let yourself cry, and be comforted;
- Let your chosen person cry, and be a comfort...you can always take that shirt to the cleaners;
- Be the first to apologize if you have caused pain, and sometimes even when the pain that your chosen person is suffering was not brought about by your words or deeds;
- Be honest about your dreams, desires and fantasies. Share them graphically and passionately;
- When in the company of others, speak highly of your chosen person...it has a way of getting back;
- Eat together often. Feed eachother;
- Share your drinking glass with the other person, for a sip of something good;
- Do not lie, but never be brutal or insensitive with the truth;
- Keep eachother's secrets;
- Let the people with whom you come into contact know, that the person you have chosen is, in no uncertain terms, the person whom you have chosen;
- Spend some time each day, several times a day, just visualizing your chosen person, in the most intimate possible setting. Thoughts have a wonderful way of leading to actions.
In a romantic relationship, the rewards of genuine intimacy justify the risks. As a cautionary side note, a betrayal of an intimate relationship is, at least metaphorically speaking, a rape of the heart, and constitutes a type of blackmail of the worst order...On a more positive and almost metaphysical note, intimacy defies logic by the paradox of its natural essence: while it is an infinitely recursive state, it is, simultaneously, an infinitely expansive state. When we were children, we called things like that "miracles". Now, as adults, we simply call them "paradoxes"...
It is my wish for you that you achieve true intimacy with someone during the course of your lifetime. And, if you should be that fortunate, remember that most people never, ever get there; be grateful for your situation. Never stop searching and striving for intimacy, and take special care not to lose it once it has been earned. MKC: I wish this blessing for you someday, when the time and circumstances are right.
Faithfully,
Douglas Castle
p.s. You can click on the little envelope icon on the right-hand side beneath this post and email it instantly to someone, with your own comments attached. If you do a good job of it, it will be almost as well received as some of those fancy e-cards.
Note: It is my wish to dedicate this post to my sixth grade teacher, Mr. Gerald Thompson, who, amidst all of my self-doubt, took me aside and told me that I had a true gift for writing. Thank you, Mr. T.
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